This is insane. What has become of me?
I do not know. There is no guilt no more. I don't feel a thing. Where is the sense that had always been guiding me? Where is the force inside me that regulated my actions? I feel at loss, and nothing can compensate this stupidity.
I used to feel guilty whenever I sinned. Then, I will stop doing it. I just can't bear watching myself being a sinner. I just don't fit. I always cried upon myself, my lack of self control. What has become of me? I would undergo a path of repentance, redemption for my broken soul, I would always try to mend it back. The heart is like a whiteboard, the sins are the permanent markers. Once a sin is written, it's a hell of a torture to erase it. The sin is so simple, so easy to be done, just as easy as I write on the board with the marker. So smooth, it doesn't feel like a sin.
It's permanent. The damage is done. There's nothing you can do to erase it. Why? You are not the holder of the board. You don't own the wiping cloth. You chose to do it, and now you are damned to hell. Sorry.
Such is a masochist's point of view. They do not fear doing harm to themselves, oh, they even have pleasure doing so.
My friend asked me once, why can't he do a sin he likes, when he owns his own body and mind, and his freedom of choice? He is his own self and other people should never even try to think to interfere or disagree with his acts. He is the simple representation of the liberal-non-partisan-freethinker-secular-hipster- guy. Not affiliated with anyone, fighters of freedom without limits, not restricted to any rules, born to die type of men. Law regulators are nosy people without better stuff to do, they said. Religious men are hypocrites who did nothing but screw people with ridiculous restrictions and they are peeping toms at all hotels in town.
What choice of answers do I have?
A: Your heart is like the sole of a foot. You know, the foot. You can tickle the sole of a foot so the said person will giggle in a childish manner. You can poke the sole of a foot. The sole of the foot of a ridiculously rich guy is super soft and demure, like a princess. The foot is covered 24/7 with the softest, most comfortable material so it doesn't change. If one day, the ridiculously rich guy tries to walk barefoot, upon the gravel and the thorns, he will feel immense pain, the sole of the foot will probably bleed. Consider the sole of an aborigine who spent his whole life walking barefooted, he doesn't feel a thing when stepping upon a durian. So hardcore. That is your heart, when not used to sins, you will feel very uncomfortable, guilty . But, when you get used to it, you feel nothing. Your soul is lost. Sorry mate. May Allah bless your soul.
B: You don't care what other people think about you. You don't even care about yourself. So why ask?
C: We're here for an objective , mate; we're here to die. To die , mate, yeah. It is just a matter of time. I don't know mine, nor do you. We are going to leave this place, you like it or not. You will get old. You will die. You will always die, so listen mate; we all have a share in our actions. Like stakes in your father's company. A liability. A debt to pay, get it? You , have a share in my actions, since you are my friend. I am a liability to you. Whatever stuff I did that you know, you have the responsibility to care. If it is wrong, you have to ask me to stop it. That's it, just that. Enough. So little, yet that's the liability. Because we are here to die, although it's different if you are immortal.
D: My heart is broken too, I do not have the authority to answer your question.
E: I don't know.
F: Yes, yes you can, and good luck.
I do not own the answer that you want. The answer; you know it by yourself; well, trust your animal instincts. A sin is something that you don't feel comfortable doing; stuff that you do not want others to see. Your dark secrets, heh. When you stop feeling guilty, that is the lowest ebb of humanity you can reach. To exaggerate, it's like frying cats for lunch. It is like Zionists killing civilians; they don't feel guilty. The feeling of guilt is your last treasure of humanity; once you lost it, well, I do not know what to say.
What we can do is to redeem ourselves. There is a price we have to pay. Considering that you did it , you repented, and you started all over again; like a repetitive hundred times, the price is sky high. That is hard, but mate, never despair. Hope is always there for those in need.
What has become of you? I do not know.
"O my sons! go then and search Yusuf and his brother, and do not despair of Allah's mercy. Surely no one despairs of Allah's mercy except the unbelieving people."