Inferiority Complex

           I remembered the times when I was a skinny little introvert stuck with an infinite flu. I had problems getting to know everybody, to get close to anyone. It seemed terribly hard for me to show affection for anybody, and I ended up playing alone. It was kinda sad; my seven sisters and I, we made a wonderfully terrible team. I got bullied at school several times; beaten to pieces and mocked like the most hated kid in school.

                 But that's fine; I said to myself. I did not care about how many times they punch me and kick my butt, my solitary games were enough to make me happy. I had a strange obsession with myself; I believed that I am awesome. Teachers liked to tease me for I was always looking unkempt and messy; but meh, I'm awesome. It was a chronic narcissistic disorder. I fell in love with myself, sort of. I would stand in front of mirrors and say: " God, I'm perfect".

             A narcissistic disorder is sick and wrong. Assuming oneself is super awesome induces hyper-confidence and tends  to irk everybody else, especially if you are a maladroit kid with a cantankerous behavior. Narcissism makes you feel good even if your exam results are ineffably bad. Hyper-optimism, I guess. But at least being narcissistic is better than having inferiority complex.

               Inferiority complex is ubiquitous, too many people have that. They are apathetic to themselves and anybody else because of their feeling of inferiority. Out of place, incongruous. Kids who got bad results in exams can't speak up to a straight-A guy. Can't even walk beside them . Can't even look 'em in the eye. This is wrong. Seriously.

             Drivers and cooks feel that they can't be in a group with doctors and bankers. Security guards are always angry because they feel stupid. Well, I like to tell you how wrong that is.

"Say, "Each works according to his manner, but your Lord is most knowing of who is best guided in way." (Al-Isra; 84)

                 Every man and woman is designated to  do a certain job according to his skills. Should everyone becomes an engineer, who's gonna make delicious banana fries and  heavenly chocolates? My God, I can't imagine that. Doctors can't fix cars. Doctors can't sing. Doctors can't make good cookies. They got no time for that. Doctors' lives suck, even though their contributions are too many. There's really nothing to be so proud of being a doctor. Seriously.

                I heard a story once about eight siblings. 7 of them became doctors, bankers and professors, but the other one didn't even finish school. He blatantly assumed that he was born stupid, and therefore he felt inferior and useless. His siblings were all abroad and busy with their lives , rich and proud, but this guy stayed in the village. But then, their parents grew old and sickly, and this so-called uneducated guy took care of his parents until the very end , while his siblings were too busy even to make a phone call. He gets the biggest share in his deeds, better than the doctors and engineers. There is a reason for you being designated to a certain job.

                     The problem with having an inferiority complex is that you feel that you will fail at every occasion, and you cannot voice your hearts out. Nobody ever can claim that he is better than anybody else, and so nobody should feel inferior. Even janitors and toilet cleaners should be proud of their job-a clean work with an income halalan toyyiba, as long as you don't sell drugs and rape kids for fun.

                    I don't know what the world would be without teachers. I will never ride a car again without mechanics. Electricians light up my house and made it bright and colourful; doctors can go away, they can't even fix a light bulb. Whatever is your profession you should feel proud with it, inferiority brings you nowhere and makes me angry.

                  The next time we organize a job fair at school, you poor inferior people should grow a pair and contribute. Be proud of yourselves and join us, or your moms should regret having such pathetic children. We need you more than engineers and doctors, they are useless in various sorts of thing. They are imperfect and terribly busy, but you are different. You are simply awesome, and I love you so much for being so awesome. Be done with it. Only Allah knows whose deeds are the best-probably not doctors.

Peace.

Veni, vidi ,vici~

               

               When  I was young, this day was among the most anticipated day in my school years. This was a day celebrated with grandeur and enthusiasm, absurd joy and spirits. We short kids would sing patriotic songs every single morning during the assembly, which consists of yelling our hearts out rather than singing, starting from the beginning of August . The teachers stood together with us and sing wholeheartedly, and although I did not know the reason for such epic celebration, it was really amazing.

         

           My school held a competition for classes; Merdeka themed decorations . The class with the most creative decoration would win hampers and snacks, the master of us kids. The whole month is spent with cutting and drawing and hanging stuff up the window sills, painting the walls with red and white stripes , making the complicated stars and quarreling with each other. It was seriously fun.

              We kids rode bikes to school back then, and the headmistress made a competition of the most beautifully decorated bikes. Some bicycles had dozens of flags; you can't even ride it without getting blown off the road. My friends would gather around those ostentatiously decorated bikes and brag like adults do. We were kids, we do what we want, so shut up.

               There was also a drawing competition ,where you draw posters that should show your patriotism; mine was always a big flag with terribly crooked stars. I really know how to draw, but in an abstruse way-perhaps. My school's language department held an annual essay competition for the glorious Independence day.  I wrote a terrific story about the catharsis of a soldier in the maelstrom of war, where he died, bombed in pieces in the end. It was depressing back then, just to write the title.

no idea what are we doing here

         By the end of the month,  my beloved school would become a magnificent place with ornate walls and flags everywhere. The classes were scrupulously decorated, somewhat beyond imagination. My class would always lose, because we maladroit kids had too much creativity to transform it into reality. Failed ambitions ,sort of.

               That was eons ago. My feelings about the celebration is now a dichotomy of two eras; my childhood when I understood none of the reasons, and the present , when I see crap everywhere. I have the inner urge to feel happy today, even to sing alone in this claustrophobia-inducing room, or to write a post about it, but it feels terribly incongruous and absurd.

               The joy of celebration diminishes along  the years. Even the teachers hate the patriotic songs now-they sound incredibly sad , although forever better than Rais Yatim's song. There are no flags along the streets or any houses in the town.

sup bro?

           How can I celebrate Independence when I live with constraints? I can't wear a yellow shirt in fear of political taunts and jabs. Our leaders are pure and free of criticism. Sinless. Certified devils, as the former prime minister said.

            How can I celebrate Independence when the prices of goods keep skyrocketing, and my pocket got big holes in it? We started off 55 years ago with the same pace as Korea, Taiwan and Singapore, and just how far behind are we?

             Walk around the streets in my place and see with thy eyes the proof of the permanent legacy of the imperialists; kids my age who love discos and admire alcohol and sex. Freedom at its best.

            You don't have to love the government if you want to love the country. You don't have to choose those corrupt and pretentious skullduggers if you love Malaysia. Yes, I choose Malaysia, and  I love this country, but the big blue tick in the tv ads was terribly unnecessary.

"Saya pilih untuk setia. Saya pilih kemajuan. Saya pilih Malaysia. Big blue tick drawing commences"

Hahahaha.

Peace.

                             

Choices~

     I woke up this morning with a surprise. I am still alive. My fingers and limbs are completely here, none were plucked or cut off. This is a bizarre business indeed. My eyes do not belong to me. Not even an inch of my skin is my own. All of it belongs to the supreme Creator, the almighty Lord. I have sinned so much, and Allah still gives me the chance to live another day. He is indeed the Most Merciful. There is no reason for Him not to punish me for everything I did, and yet I am standing here, complete and healthy. I have lost hope in myself, yet He gives me another chance to repent, and change for the better.

           I look at the trees and the skies, how they grow tall and mighty, the birds flying fearlessly, the fields all green and subtle to behold. The One who made all this has the power to break my neck and split me in half, but he never did. I am here, alive and strong. Praise the Lord for giving us a chance to live another day, to fix ourselves into better men.

          My friend,

         We live our lives each  to different and diversified purposes. My  cat seemed to be nice with me for the sake of food alone. Without that, I am just an alien to its whole existence. Some kids fast so they can get more money. Some people get married because Facebook says that it is so wonderful. It's not. Politicians make crappy National Day song because they really want to lose the next election. Peter Jackson directs "The Hobbit" because The Lord of The Rings made so much money. There, my friend, we've got reasons for stuff.

              I am writing this because you cannot see reason , whatever I do to make it clear.

      

    Organizations exist for reasons. Prefects in school exist because teachers need a place to release their daily stress, and students need role models to despise and hate. Sorry.  UMNO exists as a safe platform for legalized robbers to plunder the nation's wealth. My village's JKKK exists because they should. Charity organizations exist because there are still a lot of good men walking upon the earth. Some organizations are unclear of their direction ; for whatever purpose ;we can't figure them out.

            For us students , we have a lot of groups and clubs. We are young and wild with the idea of a leadership to change the whole world, change everything and make it all new. We ridiculous kids strive for charity works and campaigns, most of it are those that the adults have lost hope in achieving. We are young men, hopeful youths! We can plan carnivals, summits, dinners the size of a whole district, countless forums and competitions. For what?

         Here's a list of things you should check before joining a group;

1. What kind of activities does this group do? Charity or training for assassins? Does it improves hablumminallah, and hablumminannas?

2. Is the organization free of the ideas of extremism, racism, and bigotry? Take Perkasa for an example; among groups that should have never existed.

3. Does this group support the corrupt government? If yes, then you really have to run away from them. I mean, really? How could you?

         Should you be wanting to commit in their activities and posts, consider this my friend. There are groups which are complete; the charity and organizational works, religious affiliations and strong , correct political stands. Why? Our religion is complete, it is not just rituals , but it constitutes human development, charity and politics among others; who are we to refuse them? Some organizations are  doing just  simple group works, and other groups focuses only on the rituals. If there are groups that are perfect, would you be joining the lesser ones?

       

      Some people  refuses to discuss this, citing unity measures and the freedom of diversity. Well, crap, I really don't care about that. This is just a simple guide in the form of questions, should you ask about it someday. If you still want to join groups which goes against the religion, supports the evil acts of the government, and displayed racist remarks, then go on  my friend. It is your choice, and I really don't care. Why should I?

     

         The thing is, we would be questioned about our choices in the Hereafter. Why did I marry this woman? She got a lot of pimples to begin with. Why did I let my cat live with so much allergies and infections? Why can't you just go on with your decision, since you don't really want to change it? Good day mate.

Peace.